Thursday, May 15, 2014

Republicans Care About Idaho

I was going to run in the Republican primary to be governor of Idaho, but there were some tough questions in the first debate that I just didn't know how to answer. For instance:

1. If you were governor of Idaho, what would you do about jobs?

I thought the answer revolved around increasing sales of potatoes to fast-food restaurant chains, but nobody seems to care about the iconic spud. Some good ideas that hadn't occurred to me include more logging, more mining, digging for natural gas, and killing more wolves. All of these will provide good jobs.

2. If you were governor of Idaho, what would you do about the economy?

Even though growing more potatoes is pretty much my answer for everything, it seems that too many Idahoans are working for minimum wage in fast-food restaurant chains, and the ones who might be helping the economy by killing wolves are out of work. Wiser heads suggest more logging, more mining, digging for natural gas, killing more wolves, and clear-cutting our overgrown forest to prevent costly fires so that we have more timber to harvest and sell, and more roads for mining and drilling.

3. If you were governor of Idaho, how would you help to preserve the state's natural resources for future generations?

God gave us Luther Burbank, and Luther Burbank gave us the Idaho potato. Just like Idahoans, a good potato might be brown on the outside, but it's pure white and flaky on the inside! As it turns out, and I just never knew it, Idaho has other natural resource, as well. There's logging, mining, and drilling, and we just need to do more of it to preserve what's ours from those land-grabbing feds. And we should make sure every school kid in the state knows this by teaching Idaho superiority in our schools.

4. If you were governor of Idaho, what would you do about taxes?

Shiiiiiit (excuse my French)! One thing we can all agree on is that we don't need no God-damned taxes to pay the feds to come in here and tell us what to do with Idaho!! We've got our God-given natural resources that belong to all Idahoans; says so right here in the State Constitution.

5. Do you have any concluding remarks?

The problem with Idaho is the Feds. We've got all these lands and almost none of it belongs to us. Just take back what's rightfully ours, tell the Feds to go suck on a rock in some other, less-enlightened state, and we'll have full employment with real, manly-man jobs. None of this flipping burgers for minimum wage. We'll have guns, chainsaws, oil rigs, bulldozers, and we'll know what to do with them. These is our God-given rights and I don't care who knows it.

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